conscious coupling


remember months & months ago reading in the news
 about gwyneth paltrow splitting from chris martin?
it was literally last MARCH and i couldn’t quite get it out 
of my mind. i have thought about it so often since, and this
post has been in my drafts for a long time. finally i decided,
why not just post it? this is something that i care about.
not because i care that a celebrity couple is getting
divorced, but because of how they announced it
and what it normalizes to everyone else. like you
 can see below, the title of the post announcing 
the split on gwyneth’s website was titled:
gwyneth normally can do no wrong in my eyes,
but here she failed me. she didn’t make this up,
it to announce her divorce and it was all over the
internet… & i still see it. while i understand the train of 
thought behind it, i don’t think i can ever support
or agree with what it’s saying and how it was used.
i know that people change and marriage is hard…
…………but isn’t that kind of the point of it?
 
of course some situations merit ending a relationship. 
plenty of my closest friends and family have ended
relationships and marriages for good reason.
 
 it’s not about that at all. we’re talking about 
this specific idea that it is completely okay just
to grow apart slowly and “consciously uncouple.”
 
 this phrase makes it seem so normal, so 
routine, so expected. a lot of time, people try
everything they can to make things work, and
it still doesn’t despite all of their efforts. they end
up with the worst kind of heartbreak i can imagine.
this is why to consciously do this and “uncouple” seems 
so sad and bizarre to me. it caters to a world with a 
short attention span. it basically wants us to think of our 
spouse as someone to point out all the negatives in us
until it’s time to be on our own. it justifies focusing on 
ourselves and promotes growing apart over time. what????
it would even make more a little sense to me if it was to
unconsciously uncouple” because at least you didn’t mean to!
if anything, the
popular phrase should be
conscious coupling.
it should be our highest priority
to work at our marriages
and relationships and move
toward coming closer rather
than accepting that people just
aren’t meant to be together forever.
 
i’ll stand first in line and tell you that in
just a little over two years of marriage, we’ve
had some highs and lows. from fighting about
the silliest of matters to important things, we’ve
had disagreements and fights and silent treatments
(my specialty :) …we’ve learned things about each other
that we didn’t know before we were married, and we’ve 
each changed a lot, formed new opinions, and evolved.
 
i hope that we always continue to change! it means we’re
growing, having new experiences, and becoming who we
want to be. but that doesn’t mean our love changes. it
especially doesn’t mean our commitment to our love changes.
 
people may have different opinions on this, and i welcome them!
i love other ideas and disagreements and conversations. i just cannot 
hear something become widely accepted that so goes against
everything i believe in and not express my own thoughts on the other
side of it. as in love with chase as i am, our highter commitment and tie is
what truly binds us together. we’ve made promises to each other, and to God
and i’m so grateful that we don’t have any excuses to give up or think
for one second that we’re not in it for the long run. that’s unfair if you ask me.
 
gwyneth, i still think you’re a babe. and i understand that when you’re
a celebrity this was probably an easier + cleaner way to announce some
sad news to the world. but just know, it didn’t fool all of us. :)
 
i’m not trying to say that everyone should be married and put up with
bad things and stay together no matter what. i’m just saying that for me,
i’d rather be on the consciously coupling side of things. with my friends,
family, and especially my spouse, i’d rather keep working at every relationship
and put all my effort into making sure nothing is slowly slipping away.
when hard things happen, i want to grow closer rather than separate.
 
i want to hear your ideas on “consciously coupling!” how do you consciously
make an effort to grow your relationships? is it sometimes easier to let
things slip? for sure. but it is so worth it to work at things day by day so
we can enjoy them in the long run. i KNOW that at the end of my life
(and after) i plan to be with my sweetheart and loved ones, 
not uncoupled away from them. so i’ll do everything i can now
to make sure of it. it won’t ever be perfect, but let’s strive to be
on this side of things — and stand up for our relationships!
they can’t be consciously uncoupled away, thank you very much!
 
///
one or two thoughts on how we can 
consciously couple..
 
“let’s fall in love”
marriage is falling in love over and over again,
always with the same person. notice new things
about them, embrace ways they change and grow,
and fall in love with the new version of them over and
over again! think of it this way and it never gets boring :)
 
you’re on a lifetime date.
one of the perks of being married is being comfortable 
and hanging out in the kitchen making cookies on a friday
night (trust me, i would know! :) BUT, no matter where you
are or what you’re doing, remember you’re on a lifetime date.
think: “oh! i’m on a date! i need to plan fun things and focus on
the positive and be cute.” never ever forget what life was like
when you were dating —- this keeps the spark alive!
 
////
lastly, 
view marriage and love as an adventure. 
of course things will change, but in my mind i’m bought in for the 
grey hairs, the mortgages, the hard times, the amazing times, the 
raising kids, the messes, the job changes, the craziness, all of it. i 
wouldn’t want to miss out on growing old together with my best friend 
just because we both changed a little through life. change together!
 
marry me. 
let’s spend our week nights eating pasta on the couch
when there is a perfectly fine table in the other room.
we can go to the movies and sit in the back row
and flirt like it’s our first date.
marry me.
one day we’ll paint the rooms of our house,
and get more paint on us than the walls.
we can hold hands and go to parties we end up 
ditching to eat brownies in bed at home.
marry me.
and slow dance with me in our bedroom
with an unmade bed and candles on the nightstand.
let me love you forever.
marry me.
my marriage is the most beautiful 
part of my life. any great food or 
amazing new city i visit is only 
exciting because i get to share it
with chase t. rigby. i work on — and
think about — and love our relationship
so much, and that’s why i was offended
hearing the idea of purposely growing 
apart from a spouse. sorry chase,
you’re stuck with me! :) that’s why i 
had to write these thoughts out,
so thanks for indulging me
{if you made it all the way to 
the bottom of this long long post!}
 
here’s to being conscious about our
loves and interests and passions..
and keeping them alive :)
i still love you, gwyneth!
 
xo
 
 

'conscious coupling' has 17 comments

  1. September 24, 2014 @ 3:17 am Hannah

    I like what you had to say about viewing marriage like a lifetime date and I couldn’t agree more. I think we get in trouble when we stop ‘caring’ and forget to be kind to and impress our spouses like we did when we were dating! I mean why should we stop doing those things just because we are married?? If anything it should increase!

    Reply

  2. September 24, 2014 @ 4:50 am abigail louise

    every statement on point. couldn’t agree more. ralph and i are happy to join you for the conscious coupling movement, love you!!!!!!

    Reply

  3. September 24, 2014 @ 5:54 am Meg Miles

    Well said. I agree whole-heartedly!

    Reply

  4. September 24, 2014 @ 1:39 pm BLovedBoston

    I absolutely agree with everything that you have said!! We took vows in front of the people we loved and god – they weren’t just words and so often celebrities just treat it as another – oh well, moving on thing!!

    Reply

  5. September 24, 2014 @ 1:40 pm Kristen

    I completely agree – although I do agree some people should get divorced (aka my parents) but they probably never should have got married! but my husband and i are in this for the long haul, ‘uncoupling’ is not an option.

    Reply

  6. September 24, 2014 @ 2:25 pm Chase T. Rigby

    what an incredible post!!! you’re such an amazing writer and you know how i love posts with more text than pics ;) i couldn’t agree more and love you more than any length of post could say. here’s to many more years of conscious coupling and then some!

    Reply

  7. September 24, 2014 @ 2:49 pm Kayla

    thank you for sharing this – i loved it! (and i’m with ya, i was SO devastated when gwen and chris split. they were the ultimate couple!) i completely agree – marriage is a commitment to change with that person, & let them help you become better, and you them. part of accepting someone is continuing to accept them as they handle what life throws at them. we married changing, evolving beings.

    marriage is THE most wonderful part of life, yet it sometimes becomes mundane because it’s a constant thing. i am taking the challenge to do more “conscious coupling” and appreciate what a gift that relationship is! thanks for your thoughts. xo

    Reply

  8. September 24, 2014 @ 3:43 pm Brittany

    Couldn’t agree more with you. Change is a challenge, but in many ways, it’s an exciting one. Grow with your partner (and family and friends) and you’ll have a lifetime of enriching memories! Also, you two are just too cute.

    Reply

  9. September 24, 2014 @ 3:51 pm Love always, Jess

    I ate this up and am writing a similar post soon about how important it is to do things together and to do things your spouse loves to do!

    Reply

  10. September 24, 2014 @ 3:51 pm Ann Bates

    Fantastic post!! I couldn’t agree more! We didn’t marry the people we did expecting them to be like that forever. We marry them to change with them to reach the people we have the potential of becoming! Marriage is so, so sacred and is the most beautiful part of my life as well. Here’s to conscious coupling!

    Reply

  11. September 24, 2014 @ 6:14 pm Melissa

    Hear, hear!! Marriage is hard work at times – mine is really happy now, but things were tough for a while (especially in the beginning). I’m so incredibly glad we didn’t give up and worked through our issues. Now that we have kids, I can’t even imagine calling it quits and having to explain that to them – it would break my heart. I’m really glad we decided to stay consciously coupled! :-)

    http://www.animpulsetosoar.blogspot.com

    Reply

  12. September 24, 2014 @ 7:42 pm Tiffany {A Touch of Grace}

    I love this Emi! What a true statement that’s become so normal to “consciously uncouple” these days. Working hard on marriage and staying together through the hard times seem to be a thing of the past, and it makes me so sad. If people go in thinking marriage is always easy than they might as well stay single. It has it’s ups and downs, and it’s not always pretty, but you don’t just give up because you or they have changed. I’m married to my best friend and couldn’t be happier; even with the hard times. :)

    Reply

  13. September 25, 2014 @ 8:12 pm Sarah

    I fully agree with your thought that it should be turned around and thought of as conscious coupling. I’m not married, but I would want to be always be working on a healthy and sustainable relationship with my husband. I would hope that people wouldn’t consciously uncouple! I understand every situation is different and some relationships just don’t make it, but I hope that they thoroughly work through their problems, if possible.

    Reply

  14. September 26, 2014 @ 5:17 am Kelsie Peterson

    I love your thoughts Emi! Totally agree with everything!

    Reply

  15. September 26, 2014 @ 5:28 am Kelli Bonin

    What a great post! I have thought about this a lot as well. It seems as though these days it is just easiest to back out of a relationship if it isn’t working for you. That’s the best part of a relationship though, to me! When you have trials and struggles and you work through them together, THAT is when you grow the closest.

    Reply

  16. October 1, 2014 @ 12:23 pm Linda Dunn

    No surprise that you have so many comments on this post. I am so proud of you to see you sharing so much goodness on your blog. This could not be a more important stance in the world today. Your marriage is a source of joy for me as your mother. It makes it possible for me to let you out from under my wing and out of our nest!:)

    Reply

  17. April 27, 2015 @ 1:54 am Di

    So true and so beautifully put! Such a joy to see someone who truly gets it and at such a young age. Yes it takes hard work to get your happily ever after!
    First time reader hopping over for a
    recipe on pinterest. Didn’t find the recipe but found something far better :)

    Reply


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